If In The Beginning
by Marauder
Summary: Sirius and Remus are in their sixth year and their feelings for each other are becoming too intense to bear. SBxRL. Part of the If In The Series. AU since OOTP.
1. James

If In The Beginning by Marauder (f.k.a. marauderbabe)

Disclaimer: If you recognize them from Harry Potter, they're J.K. Rowling's. If you don't, they're mine.

Dedication: This fic is dedicated to PhantomGreg, whom I have only known (online) a short time but is still one of the coolest people I know. Here's some new slash for you, sweetie. Hope you like it. Love Marauder ;)

Note: If In The Beginning is a companion piece to If In The End, and both deal with the relationship between Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. Each Marauder will have two chapters, so when this reaches 8 chapters it's done. If you are a homophobe, please click the Back button now. Are they gone? Okay! On with the fic!

Chapter One: James

"What if we're caught?"

"Oh shut up Peter, you prat, you know we've never been caught."

"There's a first time for everything."

"Well, if you feel that way, you can stay behind."

"Oh, go on Remus, side with Sirius, I knew you would."

"That's because he's right."

"Not you too, James!"

"Yes, me too. Come on, make a decision. The map says Peeves is headed this way."

"All right, I'll go."

"Good man, Wormtail."

Outside the portrait hole of the Gryffindor tower, four boys, nearly men, huddled under an Invisibility Cloak. Usually, on the nights when they snuck out, their only intention was to cause random mayhem. This time, the goal was more specific.

"What if the Slytherin password's changed?" whispered the boy called Peter, as the four of them tiptoed down the stairs.

"Since five hours ago?" asked his friend Sirius cynically.

"Will you two PLEASE shut up!" hissed Remus. Although the fourth boy, James, was considered the most clever of the four, it was generally agreed that Remus was the most practical. 

"Sorry, Moony," said Sirius quickly. James shot him a suspicious glance. Sirius had been doing that lately: appeasing Remus the second there was the slightest hint a quarrel might start between the two of them.

"The map says Peeves has gone up to the Hufflepuff tower," said James, changing the subject.

"How about Filch?" asked Remus.

"Both he and Mrs. Norris are in the Great Hall."

"Snape?" asked Sirius.

"In bed," said James, " and the Potions dungeon is empty." The four of them exchanged devilish glances.

"We'll get him back Prongs, don't you worry," said Peter.

"The nerve of him," said Sirius indignantly, "taking Polyjuice Potion to look like Cynthia Moore and then going into the girls' bathroom to spy on Lily taking a bath!"

"And Cynthia Moore, letting him!" said Remus. "What's Lily doing to her?"

"Pimple Potion in her pumpkin juice," said James. Sirius snickered.

They continued down the stairs and didn't stop until the reached the Potions dungeon. All four stared up at the trap door. "Remus, will you do the honors?" asked James.

"Mortum Leo," said Remus to the door. It slid open and a ladder fell down slowly and gracefully. He grinned at Sirius. "After you, my good sir," he said with mock courtesy.

James couldn't be positive, but he was pretty sure Remus and Sirius looked at each other a little longer than necessary before Sirius started up the ladder.

The Slytherin common room was decorated in bright green and shiny silver. Once all the boys had reached the top of the ladder, James folded up the Invisibility Cloak. Though they would be vulnerable to any wakeful Slytherins, It would make them clumsy if they stayed under it. And their plans required precision. 

Trying not to laugh as they proceeded up to Snape's dormitory, Sirius and James each took out a bottle of red dye. Peter was guarding the dungeon; Remus was guarding the common room. 

The bottle in James's hand was regular Muggle food coloring, something Lily had had her sister Petunia send from home. The red dye in Sirius's bottle was far more complex.

In it was the Deux Yeux Potion, a highly complicated and precise formula that had been discovered by French witches. If you mixed together four unicorn hairs, one basilisk skin, four pints of orange juice, and a body fluid your victim, then mixed it with food coloring, you would create a dye that could only be seen, once dry, by the person who had supplied the body fluid. That part had been the easiest- Snape had so much grease and oil in his hair that he hadn't missed the little bit Sirius had taken in History of Magic.

James took out a paintbrush from his pocket. Careful not to make any noise, he opned the door to Snape's dormitory and the two boys snuck in.

Snape shared the room with the other sixth-year Slytherin boys: Beelzebub Malfoy, Oliver Lestrange, and Abelard Moore, Cynthia's brother. Snape's bed was the closest to the door. With a smirk on his face, James dipped the paintbrush in the food coloring, leaned over Snape's face, and carefully wrote "I Am A Pervert" on Snape's forehead.

"Your turn," whispered James to Sirius, grinning.

"Roll up his sleeve," Sirius whispered back. 

James obliged. On Snape's pale arm, Sirius painted the words, "Compliments of the Marauders and Miss Lily Evans." By the time he reached the last letter, the first three words were already invisible to them.

Sirius turned to leave, but James grabbed his arm. "Hang on a second, Padfoot, I've got to ask you something."

"What? Make it quick or we'll be found."

James decided not to quote Sirius's own words about how they had never been caught back at him. Instead he asked, "What is _with_ you and Remus lately?"

Sirius bit his lip. "I'm not sure what you're talking about, mate."

"You act differently around each other. More apprehensive. And I see you staring at each other when the other one isn't looking."

"He stares at me?"

"Yeah. You stare at him too."

"Sorry," said Sirius rather abruptly, "I don't know what you're talking about. Now come on, before Snape or the others hear us and wake up."

It was odd, James thought, as they descended the stairs to join Remus in the common room. Usually Sirius told him everything: how he had bad dreams before every Charms exam, how he felt like his parents had always loved his brother more than himself. James shared things with Sirius too, the most personal being his crush on Lily. It was Sirius who had finally persuaded him to ask her out. They were best friends….so why was Sirius hiding things from him?


	2. Sirius

Chapter Two: Sirius

As they walked back to Gryffindor Tower, Sirius felt his heart finally slow to normal. That had been too close, he thought. He'd have to stop staring at Remus so often, or James would figure it out. But…James had said Remus stared at him too. Was it possible that…no. Remus had dated Amoria Wist all of last year. Then again, Amoria had asked out Remus, and _he'd_ broken up with_ her._ And he'd been notoriously shy around her.

Sirius suddenly became aware that Remus was right behind him. As the started up the staircase to the portrait hole, he could actually feel Remus's breath on the back of his neck. His heart began to thump wildly again.

"Forbidden," Remus said. Sirius's heart leapt to his throat, until he realized that Remus had just said the password. The portrait hole swung open.

Once they were back in their dormitory, Peter flopped on his bed. "Well, we weren't caught," he said.

"Of course not," said Sirius, collapsing on his own bed. James and Remus followed suit.

"Lily'll be pleased," said James. "I almost feel sorry for Snape. It's his own fault, though. He wasn't even too clever about doing it, openly gaping at Lily. Lily said that until he began to change back into himself, she thought Cynthia Moore was gay."

Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius stole a glance at Remus. His friend's face was a stone mask.

"We'd better get to bed," said Peter hurriedly. Peter was the least clever of the group, but one of his rare talents was an uncanny knack for sensing discomfort.

"Good night, all," said James, and turned off the light.

~~*~~

At around two in the morning, Sirius found himself suddenly and inexplicably awake. Moonlight poured through the window. Instinctively, he looked over at Remus's bed. It was empty. As he sat up further, he saw that Remus was sitting on the window seat, gazing at the half-moon. Quietly, he got out of bed and walked over to him.

"Remus," he said softly, "hadn't you better get some sleep?"

Remus turned. "Oh, hello Sirius," he said, smiling faintly.

Sirius sat down next to him. "Come on mate," he said, "back to bed." Mate. Now there was an interesting word.

"I'm all right, Sirius, honestly," said Remus, looking into Sirius's pale blue eyes. Their eyes rested like that for a few seconds, liquid blue and deep hazel. Then Remus turned his head towards the window.

"Is it waxing or waning?" Sirius asked. 

"Waxing." Remus was quiet for a minute. "I can never sleep right on nights when the moon is waxing."

Everything was getting too solemn and emotional, Sirius thought. Even the red dye adventure had been less high-spirited than usual. Time to lighten things up a bit.

"Remus," he said, "you are getting into that bed and sleeping if I have to carry you there." Ooh, that didn't turn out quite the way he intended it…or did it? What did Muggles call that sort of thing again? Freudian slips.

Luckily for him, Remus had not noticed. "That is, if you can lift me," he said, a mischievous grin flashing across his face.

Sirius felt more at ease. "Ought to be easy," he said, "you're so skinny."

"Not _that_ skinny, thank you very much," said Remus with mock indignition.

"How much do you weigh, one hundred and thirty pounds? Easy."

"I bet you five Sickles you can't," said Remus. 

"Well, say goodbye to those Sickles, then," said Sirius. Then, with a courage he didn't know he possessed, he said, "Come on, put your arms around my neck."

Remus's slender, warm arms encircled his neck. Sirius was surprised at their softness. The downy hairs tickled his neck, and he felt a strong longing deep inside of him to pull Remus closer and kiss him, discovering if his mouth was as soft and warm as his arms. Instead, he slid his arm under Remus's knees and lifted him.

Carrying Remus was a little harder than he had anticipated, but still doable. "You owe me five Sickles, Moony," he said, as he gently lay Remus down on the bed. 

Remus leaned closer to him. "The deal was you had to carry me to the bed and I would sleep. You don't get any money" he raised and lowered his eyebrows "if I don't stay in bed and sleep!" With that, he leapt out of bed and sprinted across the room.

Sirius felt the nervousness he had had leave him. Once again high-spirited, he playfully lunged at Remus and chased him around the table.

"Come back here, you git, I need that money," he cried.

"Too bad, Padfoot, old chap," said Remus, his mouth open and wide and his eyes dancing merrily.

"You'll have to run faster than that."

Sirius lunged again. This time he managed to pin Remus up against the wall. "You," he said, his forehead touching Remus's, "are going to bed. Now."

"I surrender," whispered Remus in a solemn tone, but his eyes were still full of mirth.

Sirius released him and Remus walked over to the bed and lay down. "I'll give you the money in the morning," he said, yawning. "That is, if I stay in bed…."

Before he could get out of bed again, Sirius pounced on him and pinned him to the mattress. "Sorry, I win."

Remus looked up at him and Sirius felt his heart pounding so loud he was sure Remus could hear it too. The only noise in the room was their breath, still heavy and labored from the exertion. Remus leaned up, his lips only inches away from Sirius's. "All right," he whispered. "You win." They gazed at each other for a second. Then, at the same time, they began to lean forward and…..

"Can't a fellow get some SLEEP around here?"

It was Peter. Sirius jumped off of Remus in a hurry. "Sorry Wormtail, Moony and I were just having a debate here over a bet."

"You can settle it in the morning," yawned Peter. He rolled over and began to snore within minutes.

Sirius returned to his bed. Remus had closed the curtains around his. What was he thinking, Sirius wondered. Before he had time to ponder it, he fell into a deep sleep and dreamed about Remus and his soft skin all night.


	3. Remus

Chapter Three: Remus

Remus managed to sleep for a few hours, but it was a restless sleep, and he awoke at six o'clock. Classes didn't start until eight-thirty, and everyone else was still asleep.

He looked over at Sirius. His dark hair was splayed across the pillow, and his long body rose and fell with each deep breath. His pale lips were slightly open.

The room was silent and sleeping. No one would know, Remus thought, not even Sirius himself. He knelt down next to the bed. Leaning forward, he kissed Sirius gently.

Sirius stirred. Cautiously, Remus moved back and stood up.

James's broomstick and Invisibility Cloak were both sitting on the table. The window was open a bit. It was time for an early morning flight, Remus thought. Maybe it would clear his mind.

He took the broom in hand and covered himself and it with the cloak. He opened the window some more and flew out.

Last night….damn Peter! He allowed his mind to wonder for a minute, imagining what would have happened if Peter hadn't woken up. But as he flew around the Ravenclaw tower, his mind jolted back into reality. 

He'd read once in a Muggle psychology book that only around ten percent of people were gay. Therefore, the odds of Sirius ever feeling the same way about him were low.

Remus had had a crush on Sirius since the first day of their first year. Towards the end of their third year, his feelings had blossomed into full-fledged love. He'd tried to change what he felt by dating Amoria Wist, but that obviously hadn't worked. Every time Sirius walked into a room, the same thing happened: his heart leapt with joy, and then dismally sank. Because the odds of them ever being together were impossible.

All right, Remus thought as he flew over the Quidditch field, he had to move on. Sirius was not interested. They would never be more than good friends. If Sirius loved him back, he reasoned, he would have done something about it by now.

Then again, _he_ loved Sirius, and _he_ hadn't done something about it by now. And there had been last night…

He stopped the broomstick in midair and hovered above the bleachers. What exactly _had_ happened between them last night? It was true that all the Marauders got into quarrels and spats that often turned physical, but not in the middle of the night. Not that ended on a bed. Not that ended with two boys leaning towards each other and gazing into each other's eyes….

All right, thought Remus, flying past Dumbledore's office, maybe it was possible that Sirius fancied him. Then what? If they could ever admit their feelings to each other, they still couldn't date, not the way James and Lily could. People already thought he was strange enough- that odd Remus Lupin, with his gaunt face and mysterious absences.

It was different with Sirius. Younger boys admired him, and half the girls in their year dreamed about him and blushed when his name was mentioned. If he and Sirius became…what…boyfriends?…lovers?….and people found out, Sirius would become an outcast in a matter of minutes. And Remus would feel terrible if something he did caused Sirius to suffer.

The air was starting to warm, and the sky was turning from pink and orange to blue. He had better get back, he thought.

*

Back at the dormitory, Remus found a note on his bed. "Remus," it read, "we've gone down to breakfast. I took the liberty of taking five Sickles from your nightstand. Sirius." There was more, too, scrawled at the bottom in a different hand. "Next time ask before you take my stuff! James." Remus dressed quickly and went down to breakfast.

Once in the Great Hall, he spotted his friends easily and took a seat next to Peter, across from Sirius. "Remus! Where were you?" James asked.

"Flying," said Remus in what he hoped was a casual voice. "So, have we seen Snape yet?"

The second the words left his mouth, a tall, black-haired boy stomped into the room and right up to their table. "You bastards!" he screamed, his face turning as red as the lettering on his forehead.

"Oh, hello Snape," said Peter, cutting his pancakes as he spoke. He looked up suddenly. "Good God! What happened to your forehead?"

"Don't act so shocked, I know you lot did it and I have proof!" Snape yelled. He rolled up his sleeve and thrust his arm at them.

"Sorry, I don't see how you shoving your arm in our faces is proof of anything," Sirius said.

Snape stormed off, to a chorus of laughing Gryffindors. Lily walked up to the table and sat next to James.

"What_ is_ Snape yelling about?" she said innocently, trying to hide a smirk. She and James kissed. Remus looked away.

Snape returned a second later, with McGonagall in tow. "Now, what's this about?" she asked crossly.

"They wrote this on my forehead!" insisted Snape.

"Interesting choice of phrases, to paint on someone's forehead," said McGonagall. "Tell me, would they have any reason for writing, 'I Am A Pervert' on your forehead?"

"Well….not really…it's stupid, really, but…'

"The question was meant hypothetically, Snape," snapped McGonagall. "I happen to know all about the Polyjuice incident, and I want you in my office right after breakfast."

"But I've got proof!" said Snape desperately. Once again, he rolled up his sleeve. McGonagall squinted.

"Nothing's there."

"Yes there is!" Snape screeched. "Why am I the only one who can see it? Across my arm it says, 'Compliments of the Marauders and Miss Lily Evans' in red ink!" Then it dawned on him. "They must have used Deux Yeux Potion!"

"Or else you're seeing things," said McGonagall tartly. "I've got no proof that they did this to you, although it certainly does look that way." She glared at James. "Now, I expect you in my office in ten minutes, Snape." She turned and walked away briskly.

Snape's eyes were full of hatred. He stared at the Marauders, a malicious smile playing across his face. Then he leaned close to Remus. "You lot had better confess," he said, "or-" his eyes narrowed "I'll tell everyone your secret."

Remus thought he was going to die. How could Snape have known? Before he could answer, Sirius grabbed Snape by the shoulders and pulled him away from Remus. Snape let out a strangled sound.

"If you tell anyone," Sirius whispered angrily, "if you tell _anyone_, that Remus is a werewolf, I will personally beat you into a bloody pulp. Understood?" Snape nodded, afraid. Sirius released him.

Remus exhaled. _That_ secret. He watched Snape walk back to the Slytherin table.

"You'd better eat quickly, Remus."

Remus turned and looked at Lily. Her emerald eyes shone back at him like jewels. "Come on," she said, "we've only got fifteen minutes before classes."

~~*~~

Remus didn't have a chance to talk to Sirius all day. Maybe it was better that way, he thought. He didn't know what he'd say to him anyway.

That night, as they were doing their homework in the common room, Lily clammered down the stairs from her dormitory. "Look what I've got!" she cried. In her hands was a camera. "It just came from home," she said excitedly.

"Do Muggle cameras work the same way as wizard ones?" Peter asked.

"Oh yes," said Lily, "the difference is in the developing formula. Hey, you know what? I don't think I've got any pictures of the four of you together. Everybody stand up, I'm taking one now."

"Not _now,_" James whined.

"Yes, now," said Lily. "Don't worry, it's fairly painless." She winked.

"I hate these things," said Sirius as they stood up.

"Tough," said Lily. "Come on, stand together."

Remus moved closer to Sirius. What was he thinking, Remus wondered. How did he feel about last night? Tentatively, Remus reached out one hand and lightly laid it on Sirius's shoulder.

"All right," called Lily, "One…two…"

Sirius recoiled just as the camera flashed.


	4. Peter

Note: Much thanks to Gypsy Romance and Lady Geuna. You guys rock, and I love all your reviews. I'll check out your stuff when I've got the time, okay? Glad you like it!

Chapter Four: Peter

Degenerates

Some folks say

But God, Nature

Or somebody

Made them that way-Langston Hughes

Two hours after the others had finished their homework, Peter was still struggling with his. He heated Transfiguration. And he couldn't afford to fail the upcoming exam, or else he'd have to repeat the sixth year.

It was getting rather late, and his eyelids were starting to involuntarily drop. Just as he decided to quit for the night, Remus came out of the dormitory, carrying James's Invisibility Cloak. 

"Where are you going?" asked Peter sleepily.

"Out," came Remus's short reply. He slammed the portrait hole behind him as he left.

Peter was crushed. Usually Sirius was the one who was cross with him, and Remus was more patient. He gathered up his books and headed up the stairs.

"For God's sakes, Sirius, will you tell me what's going on between you and Remus?"

Peter stopped dead. Silently, he knelt down and put his eye to the keyhole.

Sirius was sitting on his bed. James was standing beside him, looking frustrated. 

"You wouldn't understand, James," said Sirius in a choked voice. "I'm not even sure I understand it myself."

The bedsprings squeaked as James sat down next to Sirius. "Come on," he said softly, "try me."

"You'll think it's weird."

"No I won't, I promise." All was quiet for a few seconds. Then James said, "Sirius…you fancy him, don't you."

Peter pulled back from the keyhole with a start. That had got to be the thickest idea James had ever had. Sirius would never fancy a boy. The only boys who fancied other boys were weak, pitiful losers who would never find a girlfriend. _Not_ like himself, Peter insisted. He hadn't sunk that low yet. The dreams he had about Remus would go away in time, he reasoned. He was straight. Yes. Straight. The dreams meant nothing. Nothing at all.

Sirius wasn't anything like that. And Remus…no. Remus had his quirks, but being gay was not one of them.

"Yes," came Sirius's reply from the other side of the door, "I do."

Peter gaped. No. No, it couldn't be true. Not Sirius. If Sirius was gay, then Snape was fanatical about washing his hair and Peter would be Head Boy.

"How'd you know?" Sirius asked James.

"Easy," James said. "You look at Remus the same way I look at Lily."

"Do you think he feels the same way?"

"Yes, I do. Do you remember how you convinced me to ask Lily out? Now I'm returning the favor. Tell him how you feel."

That was the proof Peter needed. The world had gone mad. Even if, by some odd chance, Sirius was gay, Remus would never fancy him. Remus wasn't that way. He was too kind, and smart, and handsome….NO. He wasn't going to think that. If he disciplined his mind, the perverted thoughts would go away. 

"I can't tell him," said Sirius. Peter could hear the tears in his voice. "He's not gay, remember Amoria? And I don't want to risk his friendship by telling him something like that. He'd never look at me the same way again. Things are awkward enough as it is. I'm afraid to be close to him, afraid to touch him, afraid he'll figure it out and reject me…"

Of course Remus would never look at him the same way again, Peter thought. He'd look at Sirius like a freak. Because that was what he was. That was what all of _them_ were.

"Well, things could be a little weird if he doesn't have the same feelings for you," James admitted. "But I think he does. And I think you should tell him."

James must have lost his mind. How could he encourage this? Didn't he know how sick it was? Peter had always admired James, wanted to be like him. Now his opinion crashed to the floor. Not able to stand anymore, he stood up and stormed down the stairs. He should study more, he thought, get his mind off things.

*

The library was nearly empty, seeing as it only had another half an hour left until it closed. The only people there, aside from Madam Pince, were Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy, a seventh-year who was Beelzebub Malfoy's cousin.

Peter sat down at on of the circular tables and began to study. However, he couldn't concentrate, because he kept hearing Snape and Malfoy whispering behind him. Ignore them, he thought. Study. Discipline of the mind. Yes. The turned the page of his book.

He heard the noise of someone clearing their throat beside him. He looked up. They were standing next to him.

"No friends to protect you tonight, Pettigrew?" asked Malfoy, sneering. 

"I don't need them to protect me," said Peter, summoning every ounce of courage he possessed. "Besides," he added, "I'm not sure they're my friends anymore." No, they weren't. He wasn't friends with a bunch of queers and queer-lovers.

To his surprise, Snape pulled out a chair and sat next to him. "I always thought you were different than them, Pettigrew," he said. The red lettering on his forehead was getting lighter. Peter nodded. Maybe he wasn't as bright, but at least he wasn't a pervert.

"You know what?" Malfoy said suddenly, "why don't you come down to the Potions dungeon on the twenty-fifth? We're having a sort of…meeting there. I think you'd be interested."

Peter thought. The twenty-fifth was the night of the full moon, but that didn't matter to him anymore. "Sure," he said. "I'll be there."


	5. Moony

Chapter Five: Moony

It was the night of the twenty-fifth. Dusk had fallen, and within the hour the full moon would rise. In the dormitory, the three boys were planning their adventure.

"Where's Peter?" Sirius asked.

"He decided studying for exams was more important," James said.

"Oh, like anything could be more important than this," said Sirius, grinning at Remus. Remus smiled back, glad for a break in the tension that had grown between them in the past week.

But as James and Sirius began talking about how they would sneak out of the school, Remus felt the old barriers of isolation rise. Yes, some things _were_ more important. He was irritated with their superficiality. So many pointless nothings uttered, so many important things left unsaid. He needed to talk to someone, someone who would never betray his confidence, someone who would care and listen without judgement. The answer flashed across his mind: Lily. He got out of his chair and started for the door.

"Where are you going?" James asked.

"Got to ask Lily about something," said Remus, not wanting to lie but not wanting to go into too much detail either. "Be right back."

Lily was alone in her dormitory. "Oh, hello," she said cheerfully. "The others have all gone shopping in Hogsmeade. Wait a minute, isn't tonight the night that…?"

"That I turn into a werewolf, yeah," said Remus. "Not for another hour or so, though. Lily…can I talk to you about something?"

"Sure," said Lily, surprised. She patted the corner of her bed and Remus sat down. She looked at him expectedly.

Deep inside of him, some untapped reservoir of bravery was released. "Lily," he said, "if you fancied someone, and a lot of people would disapprove if they knew, and they might even hate you for liking this person, because it's not really someone you're supposed to fancy, and you had no idea how the other person felt, would you tell them?" Lily looked wary, and Remus suddenly understood why. "Don't worry," he said, "it's not you."

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Okay, good! Let's see, I think I'm going to need a few more specifics. Why would a lot of people disapprove?"

"Well…"

"It's okay," she said, tossing her red hair over her shoulder. "Here, I'll guess, and you just have to say yes or no. Is she Muggle-born?"

"No."

"Is she a Slytherin?"

"No."

"Her parents aren't connected with You-Know-Who, are they?"

"No."

"Help me out here, Remus, I'm out of guesses."

The reservoir of bravery unleashed its final dam. "Lily," he said, "it's not a girl."

"Is it Sirius?" she whispered.

"Yeah."

Her arms were around him in a second. "Oh Remus…that's got to be so hard…"

"Yeah," he said, his voice thick with emotion, "it is." He rested his head on her shoulder. "How'd you know it was him?"

"Well, I didn't think you'd tell _me_ if it were James, and I can't really see you fancying Peter," said Lily logically. "I think you ought to tell him."

Remus pulled back from her and nodded. The time had come. He didn't want ten lonely years to go by, haunted by thoughts of, "What if, if in the beginning, I'd told him? We might be together now…"

Surprising even himself, he bent down and kissed Lily on the cheek. "Thanks."

"You're welcome," she said, squeezing his hand.

"You can't tell anyone," he said. "Not even James."

She promised.


	6. Prongs

Note: I've decided that this story will have two more companion ones besides If In The End: If In The Future and If In The Past. If In the Future will deal with Sirius's time at Azkaban, and If In the Past will be about when he and Remus first become lovers. Look for them soon! Love, Marauder ;)

Chapter Six: Prongs

"I wonder what's taking him so long," said Sirius, pacing nervously around the dormitory. "If he doesn't hurry up, we won't make it to the Whomping Willow in time." He lay down on his bed, sighed, and closed his eyes tightly.

James looked over at him and suddenly felt very grateful, to whatever power it was that made him love Lily and made Lily love him back. He wondered how many other people there were, spending their days in all-consuming and unrequited love, hoping and pining and wishing with all their might that one day the object of their devotion might love them back. How may of them never told the other what they felt? The gratefulness for who he was and what he had was so overwhelming that it made him weak and limp, and he had to sit down.

He looked over at Sirius, and suddenly understood why Remus fancied him…or, why he thought Remus fancied him. If you were the type of person who was attracted to men, why wouldn't you want Sirius? He was smart, gorgeous, kind, the works. No, he didn't blame Remus one bloody bit. Being gay couldn't be that different from being straight…after all, he liked that Lily was smart, gorgeous, and kind. It was just that she was a girl and Sirius was a boy. That was the only difference when it came to he and Remus's attractions.

He heard the door creak, and he looked over to see Remus walk in. Sirius sat up and opened his eyes. All of a sudden, James found the answer to all the questions of the night.

"I hate to do this to you, Moony," he said, "but I think I need to go and spend some time with Lily tonight. We've all been so busy studying for exams that I've barely seen her lately. You two take the cloak and go over to the willow without me."

He couldn't read either Sirius or Remus's expressions. "Don't worry, Remus, I'll go down to see you tomorrow night and I'll bring Peter too. God, I can't believe he's actually _studying…_"

Remus nodded. Solemnly, he picked up the cloak from the table. "Come on Sirius," he said. "If we don't go now, we won't get there in time."

Sirius nodded. They left.

James sat back down on the bed, hoping he'd made the right decision. He decided he had; if Remus and Sirius were left alone they could maybe talk about the problems they'd had lately (or maybe do more than talk), and he really should go and see Lily. A thought struck his mind like lightning striking a tree. How many people, James thought, found someone they loved who loved them in return, and lost them?

Frantically, he raced down the stairs, into the common room, up the other stairs, and to the door of Lily's dormitory. He knocked loudly. Lily answered a second later. "James, why aren't you with – "

Before she could finish her sentence, James put his arms around her and kissed her hard. It was a long time before either of them said anything again.


	7. Wormtail

Chapter Seven: Wormtail

Snape and Malfoy were almost fifteen minutes late. The day after they'd spoken to him in the library, Peter had received a note from them, telling him to wait at the end of the second-story corridor by the statue of Helga Hufflepuff so that they could go down to the dungeon together. Peter was beginning to think that the whole thing was some sort of hoax.

He looked down the hallway and realized that the door to Dumbledore's office was standing wide open. Cautious but curious, he walked down the hall and peeked in.

Dumbledore was not there. The only occupants were a large red and orange bird, sitting on a perch, and the Sorting Hat.

Peter remembered his first encounter with the Sorting Hat on the first day of his first year. After Krishna Patil had been placed in Ravenclaw, it had been Peter's turn. "Hmm," the hat had said. "Might have to do this one by default. Not enough ambition for Slytherin, I see…sorry, lad, but I don't think Ravenclaw is right for you either. How about Hufflepuff? Maybe. Let's see…what is it you want out of life?"

"Friends," Peter had whispered.

"Friends, is it? Well, I know where you'll find those…Gryffindor!"

The Great Hall had applauded and Peter had passed the hat to James, who joined him at the Gryffindor table a minute later.

Now the hat turned to Peter and said, "I've got a feeling you need to unload your mind a bit. Try me on, boy."

Hesitantly, Peter picked up the hat and placed it on his head.

"Ohhh…got a thing for young Mr. Lupin, have you?" said the Sorting Hat.

"I have not!"

"That's not what your mind says…you really oughtn't be so hard on him and your other friends, Peter."

"They're not my friends anymore," whispered Peter.

"They're the reason I put you in Gryffindor…"

Peter snatched off the hat and threw it on the desk. 

From out in the hallway came whisperes. "Pettigrew! Where are you?"

"Coming!" called Peter.

~~*~~

The way to the dungeon was dark, lit only by the occasional torch. Malfoy led the way, followed by Peter and Snape.

"What type of meeting is this, exactly?" asked Peter, still half suspecting a trick.

"A meeting of people who follow someone more powerful than any of us can ever imagine," said Snape.

More powerful than anyone could imagine… "Not…not You-Know-Who?" asked Peter, frightened. 

Malfoy and Snape stopped, turned, and pushed Peter against the wall. "He's got a bad reputation, Voldemort has," said Malfoy, his face inches away from Peter's. "But it's all rubbish. Tell me, Pettigrew, have you ever known someone who was different than what everyone else thought?"

The other three Marauders flashed into Peter's mind. He gulped and nodded.

"Well," said Snape, " Voldemort's like that. Dumbledore and his followers have made him out to be a villain, a monster, a power-crazed evil fiend. But he's smart, Pettigrew, smarter and more powerful than all the rest of us combined. There is only power. Power, and those too weak to seek it."

Peter nodded, intimidated but interested. "I've got a power," he said. "You might think it's a lie, but it's not."

"Tell us," said Snape, taking his hand off Peter's shoulder and allowing him to move.

"I'll show you," Peter said. He stepped away from the wall and transformed.

Malfoy grinned. "Our master is going to love you, Pettigrew," he said. Peter transformed back, and the three of them continued into the dungeon.

The room was packed with people. Most of the ones there were Slytherins, but Peter spotted two Hufflepuff fifth-years and a cluster of Ravenclaws. He was the only Gryffindor.

"We have a new follower," Malfoy announced.

The entire room stopped what they were doing, turned, and looked at Peter. "Swear him in, Lucius," said Beelzebub Malfoy.

At those words, the people in the room melted back towards the walls and cleared a circle in the middle.

"Follow me, Pettigrew," said Lucius Malfoy. He walked into the middle of the rrom. Peter followed.

Malfoy pointed his wand towards the ceiling. "_Lumos Circumference!_"

A circular beam of light shone on the two of them. It was so bright that Peter could not see anyone but he and Malfoy. "Kneel," Malfoy said. Peter obeyed.

"Peter Pettigrew," said Malfoy. "Do you vow to always keep the secrecy of the Dark Lord?"

"Yes," whispered Peter solemnly.

"Do you swear to protect you fellow Death Eaters even above yourself and to be willing to die for them?"

"Yes." He was shaking.

"Do you renounce all former alliances with enemies of the Dark Lord?"

Peter was silent. Renounce James, Remus, and Sirius? No one had actually referred to them as "enemies of the Dark Lord", but he knew that they were against Voldemort. He caught himself. Why should he be hesitant? After all, they had lied to him. They'd let him think they were normal when – he didn't want to think about it.

"Yes," he said.

"Will you accept Voldemort as your master and serve him above all others?"

"I – I will."

Malfoy muttered something, and a large iron, orange with heat, appeared in his hand.

"Roll up your left sleeve, Pettigrew," he said. 

Peter obeyed. Malfoy turned his arm so that the pale underside was exposed and pressed the iron into his flesh. Peter bit the insides of his mouth, trying not to scream.

When Malfoy took the iron away, Peter looked at his arm. Branded on it was a skull with a snake coming out of its mouth. Malfoy retreated from the circle and Peter was alone in the harsh light. He collapsed, weak with pain.

He lay there on the cold stone floor, limp and drained. And then, from outside of the luminous circle, he heard the chanting. They were all saying his name over and over again.

He sat up, happiness washing over him. He had new friends now. The Sorting Hat had been wrong. This was where he belonged.


	8. Padfoot

Chapter Eight: Padfoot

It was unusually cold for spring. Under the Invisibility Cloak, Sirius drew as close to Remus as he dared "We'd better hurry," he said. "How much longer do you think we have?"

"About fifteen minutes," Remus said. "Don't worry, look, there's the willow."

A new thought struck Sirius. "How are we going to get in without Peter to press the knothole?" he asked.

Remus bit his lip. "We'll just have to get hit, I guess," he said.

"I'll put the cloak in my pocket," Sirius said. "James will kill us if that thing wrecks it." He pulled the cloak off himself and Remus.

Remus was looking at the tree. "I think we ought to go through there," he said, pointing to a hole in the dense curtain of branches. "It's close to the knothole, and there aren't as many tree limbs to attack us."

Sirius nodded. "All right. I'll go first." He hesitated a moment, and then plunged into the branches. Remus followed a second later.

Sirius hadn't taken three steps when a large rope-like branch slapped him across the forehead. Just as he was pulling it off, a larger one smacked into his chest. Gasping for breath, he staggered ahead.

He heard footsteps behind him, and suddenly Remus was at his side. "Come on," Sirius shouted, grabbing Remus's hand, "we'll have to run for it!" Both of them dived further into the branches.

Sirius could see the knothole ahead. Relieved, he forgot himself, released Remus's hand, and ran towards it. As he was about to press the knothole, he heard Remus scream.

He looked up and saw why. The tree's largest and thickest branch was directly above Remus and descending rapidly.

Sirius didn't stop to think. Acting on instinct alone, he threw himself at Remus, knocking him out of the way. With a sickening snap, the branch fell on him, sending a crushing pain through his body.

"Remus!" he yelled. "Press the knothole and it'll stop!" And then he knew no more.

~~*~~

When Sirius came to, he first thing he saw was Remus's warm hazel eyes, full of concern. "Are we still at the tree?" he asked faintly.

Remus nodded. "I pressed the knothole."

"How long have I been unconscious?"

"Just about a minute or so," said Remus. "Can you sit up?"

Sirius tried. No, he couldn't.

"Bet you five Sickles you can't carry me," he said, the pain making him bold and reckless.

"No, I've already lost one bet to you this week," said Remus. "I'll have to carry you by magic." He pointed his wand at Sirius. "_Mobilicorpus!_"

"Oh, great, I love being a mobile corpse," said Sirius.

"Shut up," said Remus, but he said it with the hint of a smile, and the worried look was leaving his eyes.

Using his wand, Remus guided Sirius through the gap in the roots and into the tunnel. The experience was surreal, Sirius thought, drifting along. He couldn't believe he'd grabbed Remus's hand. More importantly, he couldn't believe he'd saved Remus from the wrath of the Whomping Willow.

"OW!" he yelled. His head had hit the ceiling.

Remus grimaced. "You're going to have a nasty bruise there," he said. "I don't know who'll have the uglier forehead, you or Snape." He rested his hand on Sirius's brow. "Here, I'll make sure your head stays away from the ceiling."

Remus's hand was warm and soft. The light pressure was both comforting and erotic. Could he tell, Sirius thought, could Remus tell he loved him? Of course not, he told himself. Unless Remus could suddenly read minds, there was no way he could know. But…did he suspect? Too anguished to think clearly, Sirius shut his eyes.

Finally, they reached the Shrieking Shack. "I'm going to take the spell off you," said Remus. "Do you think you can make it over to the couch?"

Sirius winced and nodded. The mauve couch, which had some of the stuffing torn out of it courtesy of Remus, was only a few feet away. However, when Remus released him from the spell, Sirius fell to the floor.

He felt Remus's arms encircle him. His breath left him, and he didn't think it was from the impact of hitting the ground. "Come on," Remus said. "It's all right, lean on me, you aren't going to knock me over. Now, try to walk. That's it. It's only a few steps. All right, lie down. I just hope you didn't break anything, because we'll have a hell of a time explaining to Madam Pomfrey." His voice was soft and reassuring. With supple yet strong arms, he helped Sirius lay down on the couch.

Sirius sank into the lush fabric and deep cushions. "I don't think anything's broken," he said. "Just strained and bruised a lot."

"I'll get you some ice for your head," said Remus. He disappeared into the kitchen.

"How long have you got until the transformation?" Sirius called.

"Five minutes," came Remus's voice from the next room. He reappeared in the doorway, ice in hand.

"That's all right, I don't need it," said Sirius.

"No, I insist," said Remus firmly. He walked over to the bed and knelt down. One slender hand reached over and brushed a few stray strands of hair off of Sirius's forehead. Nervous, delightful shivers ran down Sirius's spine.

"You saved my life, you know," said Remus, pressing the ice to Sirius's brow. "That branch could have killed me easily."

"It wouldn't have. It didn't kill _me_, did it?"

"No, but it could have." He paused. "Did you ever hear that when one wizard saves another, they're bonded for life?"

Sirius's heart beat faster. Him and Remus. Bonded for life. His mouth felt dry. "Yeah, I heard that."

Both were silent for a while. Sirius could hear the clock ticking in the next room. Time was running out. He took the ice off his forehead. "Remus, I – "

"Sirius, I – " said Remus at the same time. They stopped and laughed nervously.

"You go first," said Sirius.

"No, you go ahead. I'm not quite sure what I was going to say anyway."

Sirius avoided his eyes. "I'm not really sure what I was going to say either."

"We're both lying, aren't we," said Remus. It was a statement, not a question.

"Yeah, I think so," Sirius said. Silence.

Then Remus said, "Sirius, about that one night, with the bed – "

Sirius pulled Remus towards him and kissed him hard on the mouth. His mouth moved furiously, as if the world was about to end and he was in his last moments. Then, abruptly, he pulled back, trembling. He had done it. Now it was over – the kiss, the fear, the hiding. Maybe even his friendship with Remus.

To his Sirius's surprise, Remus reached out with one hand and cupped the side of his face. For a second their eyes locked, and then so did their lips.

Remus's mouth was every bit as soft and sweet as Sirius had imagined. He put his arm around Remus's neck and pulled him closer. Remus moaned softly, and rested his hand on Sirius's chest.

Nothing, not anything, in Sirius's life had been as wonderful as this, he thought as Remus's tongue explored his mouth. All the emotion, all the intense feelings, all the love, were no longer secret. Every nerve was excited, every bit of him was tender and open to the ecstasy he felt.

Suddenly, Remus pulled back. His body was rigid, and he started to shake. Recognizing the signs of an oncoming transformation, Sirius transformed himself.

Within seconds, Remus had grown fur. His face morphed, and a tail appeared. A wolf stood where the boy (almost man) had been.

Solemnly, Remus out two paws up on the couch and spoke, his voice a series of quiet barks.

__

Sirius…I can't.

You can't what, love?

I can't be with you. Not as anything more than a friend.

Sirius felt like his stomach had just dropped to his feet. _But…but we…you kissed me back. You moaned. You wanted it every bit as much as I did._

I know.

Remus, why are you doing this? I love you. I always have.

I love you too, Sirius. That's why I have to do this.

I don't understand.

If people find out…they'll hate you. They'll hate me too. But you more.

What?

Sirius, if you're my lover…oh, God, I wish you could be… it's not going to matter how many Quidditch matches you won or who your friends are or how handsome you look. Everyone will see you as a freak.

I don't care about that.

Don't lie, Sirius.

Rage surged within him. _I'm not! So…if you can't be with me, then what just happened?_

I don't know.

Sirius climbed off the couch. _That's it. I'm leaving. I never thought you'd just mess with me that way._

That's not what it was!

You know what, Remus? Don't even talk to me.

Sirius walked slowly out the door and up the tunnel, unsteady from both the pain and the tears that were clouding his eyes. From behind him in the shack, he heard a long, deep, aching howl, full of agony.

__

I DON'T LOVE YOU! he screamed. _DO YOU HEAR THAT? I LIED. I NEVER LOVED YOU!_

Blinded with tears, he raced though the tunnels, escaping as fast as he could from Remus's howls. At the end he ran out of the willow and collapsed on the ground, the desolate noise still ringing in his ears.

He lay there for what must have been over an hour, bathed in the cruel moonlight. He did not care if he ever rose again.

__

WHAT'S THE POINT? he wailed, addressing the night, the moon, or whatever was responsible for his misery. _I told him, and now everything is worse! James was right, he felt the same, but what does it matter if we can't be together? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!_

He looked up. The moonlight shone on the lake.

Almost involuntarily, he stood up. The soft ground rolled under his paws as he walked, stiff-legged, to the water.

He stuck his nose in the water. It was freezing. Good. The icy water could flow over him, extinguishing his burning rage and passion. Extinguishing his life.

It was all so beautifully simple. All he needed to do was submit himself to the water, let it wash over his body and into his lungs. He would die clean of suffering.

He transformed back into a human. If they found the body of a dog and connected it with his disappearance, it might come out that the others had become Animagi. Keeping their secret would he his one last gift to them.

He waded into the water, welcoming the icy sting. He took what he hoped would be his last break, and plunged in.

He saw his hair, the same hair Remus had brushed back tenderly, floating like thick black seaweed. Opening his mouth, he inhaled a frigid blast of water. It weighed down his body, causing him to sink deeper. And then he heard the shouting.

"SIRIUS!"

The next thing he knew, two pairs of arms were pulling him out of the lake. He coughed, expelling the liquid from his lungs. There was a small thump as the arms released him onto the bank.

"Sirius what the hell were you doing!"

He blinked. It was James. James and Lily.

"I – I…." There was no point in lying. "Trying to kill myself."

James stared. "Sirius. What happened."

"I – "

"For God's sakes, James, we need to get him back to the castle, before he really does die! It can't be more than forty degrees out here, and the water must be below zero." 

The next few weeks would always be a blur in Sirius's mind. Only a few things stood out. He remembered waking up in the hospital wing, surrounded by hot water bottles. He remembered Madam Pomfrey telling him he had pneumonia. He had recollections of James sneaking up to see him with a piece of chocolate cake, which was later confiscated. Dumbledore came to visit, and told him he was exempt from exams. Lily brought him a quilt, read to him for half an hour, and kissed him on the cheek before she left.

He thought he remembered Remus, kneeling by his bedside and sobbing into the quilt. But perhaps it had only been a fever dream.


End file.
